One of the toughest things about divorce is watching the pain your children are experiencing. Helping your kids navigate divorce and learn to express difficult feelings are things you now have to do with dedication and personal strength. But how can you do this when your divorce is causing you so much internal pain? How can you deal with what you are feeling plus be there for your children and let them know everything will be ok, even if it really hurts?

Well, I’ve been there. When I went through my divorce my two boys had a very difficult time understanding what was going on. I had to “mom up” so to speak. I had to first take care of my own emotional needs (through therapy and other means) so I could be there for them as a strong and stable mom.

Here’s a little bit about how I did that and I hope it inspires you to stay strong during this difficult time.

Kids and Divorce

When I was going through my divorce the pain was immeasurable. But I couldn’t get too zeroed in on my own pain and forget about what my children were going through. I knew the divorce was affecting them in many ways. And I knew it was my job to help them navigate the divorce and come out of it as strong and healthy individuals.

Children of divorce can have some issues (amplified) over their friends whose parents did not divorce. Your priority is to make sure all parties involved get through this divorce as mentally and emotionally well as possible, and this, of course, includes your children. Who, by the way, see, hear, and experience more than what you may think. Kids are quite perceptive. Even if you try to shield them from the pain you are going through—they can feel it. This means you need to make sure they understand what is going on throughout the divorce and address any needs they have so that they may heal as well.

Take a look at how VeryWell Family summed it up:

“Generally, research shows that children of divorce are more likely to have socio-emotional, academic, and mental health concerns, such as anxiety, stress, depression, insomnia, behavioral issues, challenges in making and keeping friends, and trouble at school. These issues may impact children more acutely in the period around when the parental divorce occurs but also often continue to show up as the child grows.”

This is not to alarm you but to remind you of how important it is for you to be there for your children’s needs as they navigate a high-stress event that changes the landscape of their lives. When their world falls apart they will need you. And they will need a support system to meet their emotional, medical, and social needs.

Communicating with Your Kids During Divorce

I once heard a saying—and I wish I could remember where I heard it—that when your children are navigating high-stress events like a divorce, they will tell themselves a story to explain to themselves what isn’t making sense, but that this personal narrative will be to their own detriment. 

Read that again.

This means that what you do not explain to them in terms they can understand they’ll explain to themselves. Only it will be a story that places them directly in the middle of fault. 

This type of coping can hurt your children and it is up to you to make sure they understand that what is happening in their lives isn’t their fault—and that you love them, are there for them, and will help them get through this.

Telling the Kids

• Tell the kids about the divorce together

• Avoid details that aren’t pertinent to them

• Reassure them you are both still their parents and still love them and will take care of them

• Tell them the divorce is NOT their fault

• Answer their questions calmly

Ongoing Communication Through Divorce

• Do not make the kids a “go-between” for communicating information to your ex

• Don’t make your kids pick sides

• Don’t express jealousy when they communicate with their other parent

• Check in on how your kids are feeling and provide calming reassurance when they need it

• Don’t “hover” over your kids but try to keep their lives as normal as possible

• Don’t talk badly about your ex or vent to your children

• Don’t argue with your ex in front of the children

• Make it ok for your children to talk about their other parent and support those conversations with interest about it from your child’s perspective

• Do not try to get information about your ex through the children

Getting Your Children the Support They Need

Sometimes, and I remember this well, the emotion and difficulties of the divorce seem to rise up out of nowhere and overtake my children. If you’ve seen this happen with your children, then you can understand. Behavioral changes or disruptions seem to come out of nowhere or they begin to be more regular until it is happening every day. 

One of my sons, in particular, had waves of anger during and in the early years after my divorce. Sometimes, the circumstances were very scary to me—I worried so much that it had me in a state of continual anxiety.

I had to help him by providing the safe home environment he needed for healing, the open communication that allowed him to express himself, and I had to get him some help from time to time. Yes, a therapist. Or talking with his teachers. Or taking him to a supportive group or church. I even enrolled him in sports as an outlet for all that emotion. 

You know your kids and often you can tell something is “off.”

• They might have a change of behavior

• They begin to be afraid of things or situations

• They express guilt or shame

• They act out in school

• Their sleep or eating patterns change

• They seem stressed or unhappy or tell you that they are

When you see these alarming signs, take the time to talk with their doctor about what they are going through. Follow up with therapeutic care or social constructs that can address their needs and help them cope. Though it is your divorce  it does greatly change your children’s lives. It is up to you to be sure those changes move in a positive direction.

For More Information

Our blog serves one purpose: to help you get through all of the difficulties of divorce and the “thereafter.” It’s not easy and we know this because our writers are divorced people. They’ve been there. So we offer advice, share our research with you, and address topics that you need at this stage in your life. 

Articles on a wide variety of divorce topics.

Resources. 

Building your support system. 

For More information read Children and Divorce by the American Association for Marriage and Family.

Christina M Ward